Men are dogs, women are lizards. I’ve come to this conclusion after years of careful scientific study. In fact, I have proof.  Just watch any couple as they find their way to a patio table with an umbrella. The dude will invariably go directly for whatever narrow band of shade is being cast by the largely ineffectual umbrella. Just like a dog panting under a West Virginia porch, men seek shade.  Women on the other hand are lizards.  They seek the sun.  She will inevitably start rolling up her sleeves and head right for the hottest chair sitting right out in sun.  It’s like she’s looking to soak up every last bit of radiation before a month-long solar eclipse.  Of course, the man will gently lay his shirt on the chair to protect her delicate skin. It’s just like your dad always said “When she’s comfortable – you’re comfortable.”

I’m not sure what it is about this feminine preoccupation with the sun. Maybe it’s evolutionary? Cavemen spent their days chasing a freshly speared mastodon through the thicket. The sun was the enemy. Overheat and dehydrate, he might die, his quarry would escape, and his family would starve. He needed shade. The shade regulated the temperature of his hot blood. Cavewomen on the other hand spent their days doing the dishes and caring for Chaka from Land of the Lost inside that cold wet cave. To her, the sun was good and gave her the vitamin D her body craved – however much sun could reach her skin through the thick coat of cavewoman body hair, anyway. She also needed the sun to dry the laundry, as they didn’t have washers and dryers in caveman days either.

The trend has carried through to this day. On a nice day, if you’d like to find a woman, just look for the closest sunny spot. She’ll be out there laying all sprawled out like a newt on a hot rock. Dudes on the other hand, evolutionarily speaking, will be hunkered down in the garage somewhere with a cold one. The sun is why beer was invented. We owe the sun a debt of gratitude.