Is there a reason it’s virtually impossible to separate the two halves of an English muffin? Who do they have cutting these things, 4 year olds with a Barbie Dream Kitchen plastic silverware set?

For years, companies have shown off their mastery of bread slicing. Every piece, perfect. Clean. Neat. Independent. Sandwiches can be swiftly and effortlessly made because each piece of bread is completely separate from the ones next to it in the loaf. You reach in the bag and out come two completely self-sustaining slices, ready for mayonnaise, peanut butter, or jelly… Whatever you want.

But not English muffins. Those fuckers are inseparable. I mean, why bother cutting them at all? Last one I made looked like wolves got to it somewhere during the process. Then, when you toast it, big chunks fall off in the toaster and catch on fire so your whole house stinks for weeks.

You want to make a lot of money? Start an English muffin brand called “Bill’s Completely Sliced English Muffins.” Each and every muffin is sliced in half, all the way through. Just like bread.