Technology is great when it works.  Hell when it doesn’t.  Some things you just expect to work when you pick them up: a fork, a shovel, a pair of gloves, a blanket…  Some things are intermittent in their success rate: Volkswagens, PC’s, AM radio… And some things virtually never work and yet we accept them as a part of reality.  I’d like to discuss a few of the latter.

Today, I was driving and the sun was raging in through the driver’s side window.  Reflexively, I extended the visor to my left.  Now, under normal circumstances, the visors in most American and European cars range from anywhere between one and three inches too short to actually provide any service whatsoever.  I can’t tell you the number of road trips I’ve taken where the sun will wink and glare just beyond the reach of the end of the sun visor.  You can lean forward but that just doesn’t seem right.  Sitting up tall to block the sun with the roof line sometimes works.  But overall, the automobile visor is an epic fail.  Gadgets are here to serve us, not vice versa.  Percentage of time that the visor is actually long enough to block the sun: 5%.

This got me thinking of other types of technology that deliver a 5% success rate or below, like the automobile sun visor, that we still accept as a functional technology.  Here are my thoughts:

1. Automatic pencils.  Automatic pencil lead usually snaps off anywhere between six and thirty times per written sentence.  Chances of completely writing a sentence with an automatic pencil without lead-snappage: 4%

2. Cross-walk buttons.  These are about as sensitive as the male nipple and are designed to simply give pedestrians something to do until the light changes on its normal cycle.  Percentage of times a cross-walk button actually makes the light change: 2%

3.  Patio umbrellas.  Akin to the automobile sun visor, patio umbrellas generally, no matter how wide they are, have a tendency to cast a thin band of shade too narrow to be of functional use –  generally, in the wrong direction.  Chances of the sun actually being at the right height and angle to cast a shadow where you’re actually sitting: 2%

4.  Car alarms.  Like the human appendix, useless until they give you problems.  Percentage of chance a car alarm is signaling an actual break-in: 1%

5. Coffee decanters.  How many times have you ever poured a cup of coffee where at least two or three dribbles of coffee didn’t leak out on the countertop?  My personal experience – virtually never.  Sure, you could prevent drips by pouring so slowly that it will be so late in the day when you finish pouring a cup that you don’t even need coffee anymore…  But, I’m not that patient in the morning.  Chances of pouring a cup of coffee and not leaking: .5%