So, I’ve become one of the millions of lemmings who religiously follow and wait for new episodes of the AMC series The Walking Dead. I’m ashamed because, I never wanted to be one of the people who sit around, foaming at the mouth, in anticipation of the airing of a TV show. I considered myself above that dependence for some reason. Not because I’m better than anyone else but mainly because I don’t like to be reliant on a source of entertainment that’s beyond my control. But here I am, after a month of binge watching on Netflix, all caught up and ready for new episodes to pop up on my DVR. They’ve got me right where they want me.
The reason I like the show is because, on some strange level, it’s believable to me. I don’t know why the concept of a future zombie apocalypse is believable, but it is. And, based on the way the writers explain the events leading to the apocalypse, my logic shuts off just long enough to enjoy.
It seems possible to me that humanity could get to the place where the threat of nuclear war is no longer deemed a reasonable deterrent to terrorism and other atrocities. That government scientists wage war on other countries with viruses and microbes rather than ICBM’s and in our arrogance, it gets completely out of control. The virus we unleash on Iran, kills everyone in Iran, but also mutates and kills most of us too. Then, the mutation causes the base brain of the corpses to animate and constantly seek the bottom level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs chart. Perfectly plausible to me.
The show is riveting. The characters are well thought out and acted. And there’s enough plot hooks to keep you going from week to week. If I was one of the characters, it would be difficult to not just want to cash it in and join the walking dead after you’d survived your tenth or so zombie attack. Despair would soon become your biggest enemy when surviving a zombie apocalypse. The show is well-done but it’s not without its problems. Here are a few I’ve noticed:
1. The show is filled with scenes where the characters encounter rooms filled with mostly decayed corpses. Sometimes there are piles of the things strewn all over. I don’t know if this was a decision made by the producers to keep the show more palatable, but my first thought about walking into a room full of corpses is “Fuck, that would stink!” But it seems that the characters breathe just fine. No one puts there shirt up over their nose or seldom comments about the smell. It wouldn’t be until I blew out an epic wave of barf that I could even begin to combat a room full of zombies.
Maybe I just have a sensitive nose? I don’t think that’s it. I had a mouse die in my basement once and it stunk like a mother fucker until I could find the little bastard. I’d have to think that the smell of a decaying mouse is about .00002% as bad as the smell of a room full of thirty or so dead people. They seem to have corrected this by season five and are mentioning the smell more often. Maybe this is due to audience feedback such as mine. Whatever the case, it would seem more real to me if people yacked more when they come up on stink that would have to be associated with herds of wandering corpses.
2. This leads to my next thought. Every episode unfolds with zombie battle after zombie battle. The characters get covered in blood and all manner of filth, but no one ever seems to take five after being splashed by corpse juice and says “I think I’d better hit a shower and throw on a fresh shirt.” No one recommends that maybe they should take their clothes down to a stream and rub their pants on a rock with some soap. Everyone must absolutely fucking reek in that show. Completely beyond the reach of Old Spice High Endurance and Axe body spray.
And, there are also scenes where everyone is hugging after fighting gladiator battle after gladiator battle. I’m always waiting for one of them to say “Hey Bill, I’m glad we vanquished the enemy again but please, no hugs. You fucking stink.” Sexuality is even addressed in the later seasons. Regular B.O., nut sack from-unda, and typical feminine freshness issues would be the least of your worries when getting it on during a zombie apocolypse.
3. Another issue I have is that, despite the fact that there is a super-strain of virus animating all these dead bodies, all you have to do to permanently “kill” them is stick a knife or other sharp object in their head. I mean, the thing is dead already. How would that kill them any more? The virus is already animating the body in various states of dismemberment and decay – entrails are hanging out all over but that one tiny knife stick to the temple is going to shut the whole system down? I don’t think so. In my zombie screenplay, you’d need to cut the entire head off to get it to stop or the virus would keep firing neurons and animating the body. You’d have to sever the nerve connection from the brain to the body to get it to stop moving. Even then, wouldn’t the head itself keep chattering on without the body attached?
I think the show would be infinitely more scary if they handled the situations this way. Even when you have the damned things down, if you don’t completely sever the head, that thing will keep coming after you. Like Arnold in the first Terminator. His skin was all burned off and he was just a shiny robot with a limp but he kept coming against all odds. He had to be crushed beyond recognition to get him to stop. Barring writing Linda Hamilton into the series (hot Linda Hamilton from the first one, not hard, wiry Linda Hamilton from later movies) and having her lead the zombies into giant can-crushers, you’d have to be decapitating the zombies to kill them off.
4. Number four on my list may be a minor nitpick, but I’d have to think that tooth loss and periodontal disease has to be high in the zombie community. These things are always 50% decomposed but have great teeth that can bite chunks out of you? I’d think that the second they chomped into you Chiclets would start flying out like a first grader biting into an apple. Why are the bodies rotting away but they have magnificent gum health?
Get these minor issues fixed and I think they’d have the perfect TV show.
