Using lube. It’s like going to the bathroom. Everybody does it but no one likes to talk about it. Lube is one of the more mortifyingly embarrassing things that you could leave laying out in your bedroom that you’d never want your mom to stumble on. Other items include: condoms, adult toys, Victoria’s Secret catalogs, Vaseline, Crisco, Twister mat, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, gas mask, jack hammer, etc. You get the picture. They are all amazing when utilized in the heat of the moment – catastrophic when seen the next morning by unsuspecting eyes. Like oh so much debris left behind after a receding tsunami.
This got me thinking that it’s a good idea to always police your house of any potentially offensive items before leaving for any extended period of time. You never know when you might need to ask your mom to stop by your place to let your dog out or check on a leaky pipe.
This got me really thinking. If your mom did see a jar of lube sitting out in your bedroom, what’s worse? That she think you used it with company or alone? No one wants to be thought of as one who has wild indiscriminate orgies where squirt guns filled with lube are fired at each other with reckless abandon. But, you also don’t want to be thought of as one who spends his Saturday night by himself curled up with Miss February and a tube of KY. Lube is always viewed negatively by the person not involved in actually using the lube.
Sure you could make up some excuse for why there is a container of lube sitting out in your bedroom. For instance, your doctor prescribed some suppositories that needed lube for proper insertion. But even that’s not going to guarantee a clean escape from your lube dilemma. Suppositories don’t get the mind moving in the right direction. It might deflect your mom from visualizing you masturbating or frolicking with a room full of whores but it still leaves her brain full of unanswered questions. Now, you’ve got her thinking about lube and your fingers, butthole, and a mysterious illness that required medicine administered rectally. Don’t go there. Take it like a man. Admit you used lube and are unashamed.
Don’t get me started with the challenges of buying lube. Nothing makes it look like you’re going to go tame a gaggle of strippers like walking through Walgreens with a box or two of Liquid Silk in your basket. Even standing in front of the lube display in the store draws looks of disdain from everyone who walks by. I can’t figure out why there’s always a 45 year old mom with ten kids, just out of church doing volunteer work for the senior care center standing next to me when I try to buy lube. "Please lady, look the other way while I grab a couple tubes of Astroglide and I’ll be on my way.“
Lube. My advice. Buy it on line. Tie a string to it. Wrap the string around your lesser-used wrist. Then put it away when you’re done. You’ll be happier. Your mom will be happier.
