Tonight I watched The Life of Pi. A story about a boy living for weeks at sea in a lifeboat with a tiger. Told in real time, this was quite possibly the longest, most boring movie I’ve ever seen. I thought a better title for the movie would have been The Length of Pi or The Life, Death, Rebirth, and Subsequent 47 Lifetimes of Pi.

What is it with the current Hollywood trend of making films longer and longer? Please, for the love all that’s good and holy, give these fucking movies a mercy killing at 90 minutes. I’ve got other shit to do beside being “entertained” for two plus hours.  I’ve got growing grass that needs monitoring and paint drying to supervise.  During the movie The Life of Pi I took four naps, ate dinner, went to the gym, showered, read the book “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” (the only thing on earth longer and more boring than “The Life of Pi”), brushed my teeth, played 18 holes of golf and still made it back in time for the last hour and a half of this time warp.

Seriously, I was breaking out the toothpicks to keep my eyes open during this presentation sponsored by the makers of Ambien.  Who watched this turd at the theater?   Masochists?  And, it was nominated for Best Picture in  2013?  Sure, there were some amazing special effects in the movie but saying a movie is good because of its special effects is like saying a dead car is great because of its paint job.  The thing still doesn’t fucking run!  I guess it’s not surprising…  The Motion Picture Academy has a long history of picking snoozers for Best Picture.  The English Patient  and the king of the poke-your-eyes-out-with-a-white-hot-sewing-needle extravaganzas In the Bedroom are proof.  Toss any of these three movies on if you’re ever battling insomnia.  Blissful slumber is ensured.  You can always throw on some women’s golf or a chess tournament if you need to pick things up a notch.