OK. I don’t have kids. But I like kids. And I was one once. So this qualifies me to have an opinion on this subject. I always find it strange that people with kids find it necessary to first clarify “You don’t have kids” before they bore me with a story about their kids. It’s not as if I forgot. I know that I don’t have kids. And I know that they do. I don’t think they need to remind me of this fact all the time.
My favorite is when the boring story they tell about their kids as also prefaced with “You probably won’t understand.” Oh, that’s right, I don’t have kids so that has probably stunted my intelligence somehow. I could never possibly fathom the depths of your parable about diaper changing or kid’s eating habits. I’m no Rhodes scholar, but I bet I have enough perspicacity to know that changing a diaper at midnight in the dark is probably no fun. I don’t necessarily have to have gone through that myself to get what you’re driving at. It’s called empathy. We all have it. Even people without kids. Try me. I bet I can figure your story out pretty quickly without any flash cards or subtitles.
Another favorite of mine is the assumption by parents that anyone who doesn’t have kids must live a life of complete debauchery and hedonism. This logic assumes that, since we don’t have the tempering influence of a kid in the house, we must drink, barhop, and womanize daily. Because, that’s what people with no kids must do. Right? It’s kind of funny but no, people without kids can come home and lead a nice boring common life too. We don’t need to be warn thin by the ever-present demands of a toddler. We get tired doing every day things like going to work, paying bills, and pursuing hobbies. Just like everyone else.
I think I know why people with kids think that us childless folk party all the time. Because, when you have kids, it limits your lifestyle pretty extensively. You can’t just go out on a whiskey bender with your buddies any day of the week when you’ve got a little someone at home demanding your constant attention. At least, you shouldn’t anyway. And it’s this dark yearning that makes people stuck at home against their will with kids, think anyone with freedom are out carousing. Because they think that’s exactly what they would be doing if roles were reversed. They’ve had so little fun in the first year of their child’s existence that their minds wander back to times when they actually did have freedom and fun. But it’s really just their minds playing tricks on them. If the roles were truly reversed they’d just be sitting at home wishing they were on a date with someone they could ultimately procreate with. See, living a lifestyle of excess and drunkeness is not reserved for people with no kids, its for another genus of human being: losers.
Give us a try. No kids but amazingly understanding, witty, charming, and fun.
