I’m sitting at home watching Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning with a cup of coffee. Parades aren’t my thing. A little too much pomp and circumstance for me. I guess I didn’t take enough theater classes in college to understand the appeal.

I mean, I can see how small town parades are kind of fun. People toss you Tootsie Rolls from off the back of tractors. You get to see your gym teacher go by in his convertible he only drives on special occasions. He’s the grouchy looking one driving. His wife is smiling and waving in back, tossing more Tootsie Rolls.

It took me a long time to get used to all the lip synching to music on the floats. I used to think, “Man, can’t anyone tell that they are totally lip synching that song?” Then it dawned on me, yes, everyone does indeed know that they’re lip synching. The only one who really ever pulled it off was Ferris Bueller. That guy could lip synch.

I’ve never noticed how much Smokey Bear’s hat looks like a condom. Truly keeping us safe from forest fires, I guess

I can never really tell who looks more uncomfortable, the people hosting a Thanksgiving day parade or the people hosting the New Year’s Eve ball drop? I’m going with New Year’s hosts because Al Roker is seldom getting pawed by a bunch of drunk idiots like Jenny McCarthy. And the weather is usually better on Thanksgiving than it is on New Year’s Eve.

I’ve tried to figure out what it is about parades that just don’t work for me. I mean, the folks at Macy’s really do a fine job and you can’t just whip out one of those floats on a whim. It takes a lot of work to arrange 25,000 yellow roses into the shape of a giant Spongebob Squarepants.