I have to travel quite a bit in my job. While many times we’re shooting video for a big resort or other Five Star destination, many times we’re staying at the local $89 a night joint. Decent, but nothing fancy. Basically, a place to perform the three S’s, flop, and get up the next day and do it all over again.
On the subject of showers, why the hell do hotels put the soap and shampoo in the other room, twenty feet outside and away from the shower? There’s nothing like doing the wet, naked, tiptoe of shame from the shower to the sink in the hallway. How tough would it be to store the stuff in the bathroom somewhere? Who need’s effing shampoo when your standing by the sink? I mean, it’s not unheard of for someone to wash their hair at the sink but, doesn’t that business model only reach about .025% of a hotel chain’s customer base? Sure, I could remember to bring all my supplies to the shower with me before diving in, but I know I’m not the only one who’s done this. Motel improvement idea number one: put the damned soap and shampoo in the bathroom somewhere.
Another thing, continental breakfast does indeed leave something to be desired at most hotels. I’ve never had worse eggs than the WWII surplus yellow dust they reconstitute and call “eggs” at most hotels. Part drywall mix and part brick joint mortar, motel continental breakfast eggs are are truly an item not found in the real-world’s food chain. While it’s nice that they’ve learned protein is an important component of any nutritious breakfast instead of a bunch of toast, waffles, and frosted flakes, but man, those things are bad. Hotel improvement idea number two: if it tastes like spackle, don’t put it in the buffet.
Also, when in most hotels, you want to touch your surroundings with bare skin as infrequently and short a duration as possible. We know we should proceed with caution on the bed spreads and carpeting, but without a black light test, bare feet on the bathroom tile are a definite no no. Never rest a toothbrush on that vanity. You never know what low budget porn was shot in there that had a bathroom vanity scene. And, for the love of God, stay clear of the shower curtain. Last guy who showered in there was probably a 300 pound trucker with a shower curtain fetish. People do things in hotel showers that they’d never do at home. And that thing is usually made of some airy, flowing material that inexplicably vacuums in against your legs as soon as you turn on the shower. I don’t understand what force of physics causes that phenomena but when it’s sucked up against you like a piece of Saran Wrap from hell, that thing is useless for actually keeping water inside the shower. I could float little rubber ducks across the floor of my last hotel bathroom after a shower. Hotel improvement idea number three: get a real shower curtain made out of vinyl or some other polyurethane and run it through a hot wash and rinse cycle once in a while.
Finally, give us some outlets up high where we can actually effortlessly plug our growing supply of portable electronic devices. Something built in to a lamp base like I saw at one hotel. Last low-rent place I was in I had to slide the night stand away from the wall to find an overstocked power strip jammed in between a condom wrapper, used Q-Tip, and a couple Cheetos. Hygiene, rubber gloves, and a hazmat suit should never come into play when making a decision to charge up your iPad. Tip for the hotel manager: easy access outlets help shield us from the truth of the biennial deep cleaning you give your rooms and keep us in a nice state of ignorant convenience, just like we like.
