OK, so I was tooling through the streets of downtown Milwaukee today at lunchtime and came upon some asswipe from Illinois parked at a red light straddling the line between the right turn lane and the lane for through traffic.  I know he was from Illinois because his license plate on the back of his jag-off Mustang told me so.  In the position in which he was sitting, no one could turn right if they wanted because he did not leave enough room for a car to squeeze between him and the curb – not even a Smart Car.  He just sat there hogging two lanes when he only needed one.  Like those dicks who park their car taking two prime parking spaces in front of a restaurant to avoid door dings.   Heedless to everyone but themselves.    It’s funny how people who park this way, to avoid door dings, really invite people to strafe the entire side of their cars with a crowbar and defecate through their sunroof.  Completely counter-intuitive thinking in my view, but I digress.

So, this Illinois asshole is taking up two lanes at the intersection…  I took the opportunity to gesture to him in his rear-view mirror to show him that he should make a choice between one lane or the other.  I was throwing my hands in the air and making “curving right” gestures followed by other incredulous surrender motions.  He’d held me hostage with his shitty driving and incompetent lane positioning.  I needed to let him know about it.  Mainly, because he was from Illinois.

Now, this guy wasn’t particularly affecting me personally because I was intending to go straight.  There was nothing that I could really do until the light changed anyway.  But I felt it was my public service to let him know that he was a sorry excuse for a driver and that his use of the road was inhibiting someone who may come up behind us wanting to turn right.  He was in the wrong.  He was from Illinois.  He needed to hear from me.  For some reason though, he took umbrage with my educational efforts and gestured back to me with a one finger solute.  I don’t know what part of the country you’re from but we take offense to that here in Wisconsin.  Especially from Illinois drivers.

You see, in Southern Wisconsin, we have a war with the people from the state of Illinois.  Packer fans hate Bear fans.  Brewers fans hate the Cub fans. Only 90 miles separate Milwaukee and Chicago so, it’s easy to chafe each other.  Illinois people hate how Wisconsin drivers bumble down their highways lost and panic-stricken driving 55 mph in the left lane.  Wisconsin people hate how Illinois people come to Wisconsin thinking they own the world, like settlers in a wagon train poaching land in the 19th century free west.  Even though we value our millions of acres of woods, wildlife, campgrounds, and natural beauty, we value tourism and tourists.  Unfortunately, a good portion of our visitors come from Illinois.

You see we wouldn’t hate Illinois tourists so much if they didn’t come to our state with such a “Wipe your ass with us and leave” mentality.  It’s like they feel entitled to our natural resources and scenic beauty.  They come here and buy our beer in towns like Minocqua, Fish Creek, and Wisconsin Dells and think that entitles them to a portion of what is rightfully ours.  They use our vacationland and then go back to their mortgage, 2.3 kids, BMW, and other distractions.  We don’t like that attitude here in Wisconsin.  We take care of things here.  We value our natural habitat.  A reckless attitude causes Wisconsin people to want remind their friends from Illinois that if you don’t live here, you’re a visitor.  A renter.  You don’t own the fucking place.  Come and enjoy what we have but have a little respect for the people who call the place home.

We name the Illinois infiltrators “FIB’s” here in Wisconsin.  F.I.B. is an acronym for “Fucking Illinois Bastard.”  It’s an affectionate term that even the Illinois people reluctantly accept.  Ask any Wisconsinite if they know what “FIB” means.  I’m pretty sure, most of them will be able to tell you right away

You see, there’s more to the story with the guy from Illinois who parked shittily.  He decided to drive forward through a five way intersection and then stop in the middle of the intersection where there was no stop sign.  We flipped each other off one more time.  He stopped in the middle of the intersection, put his car in park, got out of his car, and walked toward me.  We exchanged F-bomb related pleasantries through my closed car window.  He got back in his vehicle eventually and drove away.  Not pretty but he had it coming.  He was from Illinois.