Did you ever find yourself in an uncomfortable situation where you were in a semi-crowded area but knew you had to, how shall we say, release some pressure?  You get a slight twinge down below the equator but think you can safely bleed off the top 30 or 40% without detection?  You pray that it will be silent. You pray that it won’t stink.  But, sure enough, no luck.  You do and it stinks.  And you know it.  

Usually, at this point you’d pick up a magazine or subtly wave your arms to try to dissipate the fart before anyone takes notice.  Hopefully you can reduce the noxious concentration before anyone says anything.  You think you’re in the clear then boom, it happens.  Someone says it.  “Do you smell that?  God, who farted?”  Now, you’ve got an ethical situation on your hands.

The perfectly honest person would go “Yup, sorry. That was me.”  If you responded such, your conscience would be clear.  But no one does that.  Most people drop into a gray ethical area and say, “Yeah, I smell it too,” as you exaggeratedly scan the room for a dead dog or similar non-existent reason for the awful reek in the air. “That’s terrible!”  What I want to know, is this a lie, a self-protection mechanism, or somewhere in between?

Upon closer examination, you didn’t overtly lie but you didn’t open up a big can of truth either.  You skirted around the edge in hopes that the room will clear before anyone investigates further.  Hopefully, the other person will let you off the hook.  Sometimes, they do.  But other times, they don’t.  

Here’s where the ethical conundrum can get worse.  They might follow up with “My word that stinks. Did you do that?”  They’ve tried to identify you as the culprit.  You have another opportunity to confess, but you seldom do.  If you’re going to take the low road, here’s how to get away from the flatulence police.

To pull this off, your resolve will be completely tested.  Blink. Smile. Laugh, chortle, or show the tiniest hint of recognition and your cover will be blown. The other person will know instantly that you did it.  You’ve got to remain completely stone-faced. Expressionless. Let all the muscles in your face relax then respond saying, “Boy, that does stink. Where is that coming from?!”

At this point you still haven’t lied with a capital L. You’ve just used a mis-direction technique. Because you know exactly where that smell came from.  Your butthole. But you don’t want anyone else to know that. Stay firm.  Stay resolute and you’ll get out of this alive.  Flinch and it’s over.  Then you’re both a liar and disgusting.

Luckily, farts are gross and most people will work hard to get away from them as quickly as possible.  Even if the accuser deduces that the epicenter of the smell seems to be radiating from a source near you, they won’t keep digging like an episode of Bones.  They’ll just let it rest and leave the room.

So, practice watching some old Richard Pryor standup and see if you can get through it without laughing. Don’t allow yourself a single smile.  Stay stoic.  This will help you develop the resolve to escape blame free next time you get caught crop-dusting a crowded mall.