I accidentally left my cel phone sitting on the TP dispenser in a public men’s room today. I wasn’t using it in there, mind you, I just set it there for safe keeping while I took care of business. When I realized what I did and rushed back to get it, someone had already moved the phone and set it by the sink. My big concern is, do I need to invest in a fresh phone?

I mean, you could get really germ-o-phobic with a situation like this if you really wanted.  No one likes to think of perfect strangers handling your phone after such unsavory activity.  Who knows what the hell could be on the hands of some of those nasty crack scratchers on my office floor?  The guys at the guitar shop down the hall all look like they are suffering from a hangover and make about twenty trips to the can almost every day.  I know it’s them because I recognize their tennis shoes.  I’m sure they each drop about three Old-Milwaukee-induced Havana omelettes in there every day.  I sure the fuck hope one of them didn’t touch my phone.  

How does one recover from a situation like this?  I think that I’m safe because the phone wasn’t in there for much longer than five minutes.  But still, rogue poop fumes could have enveloped my phone when I was away.  My phone case could forever be tainted.  I think I’ll hit it with a spritz or two of some antibacterial spray, and I should be good.  But it’s just the thought, you know?  My phone may have been literally two feet from some dude’s gaping butthole.  That’s not a pleasant image.

A buddy of mine said that I should check to see if there are any new photos.  Praise the lord no, there weren’t any. Anything that comes within any proximity of your face you can never be too sure about.  Hygiene is important at that critical juncture.