Does anyone else feel a little anxiety when posting birthday wishes on a friend’s social media page? Like, you want to wish them well, but at the same time you want to be fair to all your other friends too? On my birthday posts I usually go all out and end each one with some cool emoticons that take them up a notch. Because sometimes words just aren’t enough. For instance, I usually do something like this “Happy Birthday ________ (insert friend name here)” followed by a flourish of two-each balloons, party horns, and present emoticons: “🎈🎈🎉🎉🎁🎁.” That really bowls the recipient over. Being wished a fortuitous birthday is nice. But anyone can do that. I increase the stakes. Blammo! Balloons, horns, and presents show them that I am fully invested in their birthday happiness.

I stick to two of each emoticon because I like consistency. Three of each is just too showy and takes up too much space. Two puts some frosting on the cake without overdoing it. But you need to be consistent in your emoticon use across your mutual friend base. Your other friends will notice if you give more emoticons to one than the other.

Let me give you an example. My fiend Kim is also Facebook friends with our mutual friend Lynn. And their birthdays are very close together in the year. If I lay down a burst of emoticon joy consisting of a jubilant yet tasteful array of two balloons, two horns, and two presents on Kim’s feed the beginning of February, I’d better damn well come through with the same shit for Lynn for her birthday at the end of February. Lynn’s already seen the buffet I’ve laid out earlier in the month for Kim. Anything less and Lynn would feel slighted. Anything more and you start a dangerous game of one-upmanship. Because you know Kim will see what I put on Lynn’s post. And she’ll definitely remember I only gave her two horns. If I gave Lynn more horns than I did Kim, all hell’s gonna break loose. It’s human nature.

Let’s be honest, it would be a heinous display of favoritism and emotional immaturity if I stuttered out of the gate on February 5th with a lackluster single balloon, one horn, and a couple of presents for Kim “Happy birthday!! 🎈🎉🎁🎁” then followed that up with a gushing display of three balloons, two horns, and four presents for Lynn later in the month “🎈🎈🎈🎉🎉🎁🎁🎁🎁. I might as well throw some cake in there for good measure “🍰🎂🎂🎂”. Kim would for sure notice. She might not say anything right away by replying to the post but I’d feel her resentment next time I ran into her. She’d subtly throw some serious passive aggressive girl shade, shunning me with lack of eye-contact and terse replies to conversation starters. She would show me that she resented the fact that I loved Lynn more than her because I gave Lynn more horns and presents in her birthday post. How thoughtless of me? How unthinking and rude? And it all could have been avoided if I simply had made sure I remained consistent and given both my friends the same number of emoticons on their Facebook birthday posts.

I think this penchant for birthday post fairness goes back to our moms. If you had a brother or sister, your mom could never give one thing to one sibling and not an identical item to the other sibling. To do so could cause lasting damage to the psyche and self-esteem of one kid if things weren’t fair and equitable. If my sister wanted an ice cream cone, I got an ice cream cone too. Even if I didn’t want one. Mom had to be fair. I’d say, “Can I have a hamburger instead?” And of course mom would reply, “I can’t give you hamburger when I’m only giving your sister an ice cream cone! Now shut up and eat your ice cream!” And on it went.

Now, I need to be clear, I only end my female friend’s birthday posts with emoticons. My male buddies would find it flamboyantly festive for me to add balloons to their birthday post. In fact, to keep it the least gay possible, I use as few letters as possible. “HBD bro!” Is good enough for most of my buddies. They get it. Any more letters or spelling might suggest caring or other emotions not suitable for two heterosexual men. And for the love of God never use your buddy’s name in the post. “Happy bday Steve!!” That’s over-the-line personal. And dump the extra exclamation point too. Too emotive and too froo-froo. The only emoticon remotely suitable for a buddy would be something suggesting unrestrained and raunchy sexuality like the hot chick 💃or the bikini 👙. “Hope you get some tonite!”

Keep it simple. Keep it straight and everything will be OK. And for goodness sakes remain consistent. You never know who’s watching.