I walked by our community kitchenette area at the office today. It’s the common area where everyone brings in donuts and whatnot to share with the rest of the team. Sometimes, there are overflows of stuff left over from luncheons there too. If you want to grab a greasy, room-temperature Jimmy John’s sandwich under a clear plastic cover of some sort, this is the place to do it. But today was different. Today there was a fucking Kit Kat and a Snickers. Just laying there. For anyone!
I don’t know about you, but Snickers and Kit Kat are the holy grail of candy bars. Butterfinger, Mr. Goodbar, and Krackel round out the top five. I’d add peanut M&M’s to this list but I’m a staunch believer that a candy bar needs to come in a bar-like shape. Otherwise it’s really just candy. But more about that in a moment. Honorable mention to Twix. They just barely missed my personal top 5. Personal rankings aside, I was standing in front of genuine full-sized, free-for-the-taking Kit Kat and Snickers. My two favorite candy bars of all time. And they weren’t shitty fun-sized bars, mind you. These were the real-and-for-true, full-sized, full-calorie, full-taste, full-satisfaction, real enchilada. I had to make a decision, which one do I take and would it be bad if I took both?
The Los Angeles Times did a survey and ranked the top candybars and they came in:
- Take 5
- Butterfinger
- Payday
- Snickers
- Toblerone
I can understand Payday in there but fucking Take 5? Toblerone? What group of tastebud-stunted Neanderthals picked Toble-fucking-rone? Clearly not a group of seasoned candy bar connoisseurs. Did they take the survey outside a Walmart?
Rounding out the top ten were in the L.A. Times survey were:
- Twix
- Baby Ruth
- Whatchamacallit
- Charleston Chew
- Oh Henry!
Twix is a strong contender. Great caramel and milk chocolate combo going with the crunchy cookie to bring it all together. A solid number 6 in my book and perfectly positioned. I can go along with Baby Ruth. Tasty. Nothing to write home about but really good. Satisfying if you’re hungry. Whatchamacallit? OK. Whatever. I can take it or leave it. I’m not even going to dignify the shit-tasting, rubber, destroy-your-fillings dog turd Charleston Chew with a response. I used to toss those if someone gave me one when I was a kid. I thought it was a bad reflection on me if I even gave one to a friend. Into the trash they went. Oh Henry! Is really just a Baby Ruth by another name. It’s like a Coke/Pepsi thing. Both colas but you have to pick one or the other. No one can do both.
The fact that Kit Kat wasn’t reflected in this top ten is absurd. The crunchy wafers paired with milk chocolate make the taste of a Kit Kat without equal or comparison in the candy bar world. The way I see it, if no one knows about it, too bad for them. More for me and less chance there’ll ever be a shortage. I’m talking original Kit Kat’s here too. Not the blasphemed mint or apple pie flavored versions. Don’t mess with a good thing, Hershey’s.
M&M’s have candy bar-like qualities but aren’t a bar so they are disqualified. Along with Skittles, Necco Wafers, and Twizzlers. Most of those stink anyway so, no real loss.
So, back to my dilemma. Seeing a Snickers and a Kit Kat just sitting there for anyone to take is like finding a $20 bill on the ground. You know you want to pick it up. But guilt sets in and you look around to see who may be watching before you do. I mean really, who just leaves a Kit Kat or Snickers laying around? Surely someone accidentally left them there and were coming back for them? I said to myself, I’ll give it a day. If they’re still there in the morning, they’re all mine.
Boom, they were still there the next day. Mine! I only took the Kit Kat. To take both would be gluttonous. No one likes ‘em anyway according to the L.A. Times. Kit Kat came in twelfth in their rankings. All rules are off if that Snickers is there next Monday.
