This year’s Masters golf tournament leader board sounds like a rendition of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: “On Walker, on Woodland, on Oosthuizen, and Spieth! On Bubba, on Bjorn, on Senden, on Blixt!”
Funny
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I want to freely admit something. I am a men’s NCAA college basketball fanatic. It’s one sport around which I’d truly schedule my life. I know that sounds nuts. But I’d say, besides watching the Packers beat the Bears, it’s my only true sports weakness. This is the golden time of the […]
I accidentally left my cel phone sitting on the TP dispenser in a public men’s room today. I wasn’t using it in there, mind you, I just set it there for safe keeping while I took care of business. When I realized what I did and rushed back to get […]
I took a shortcut on my way to work this morning. Thankfully, it only added twenty minutes to my trip. I’ve notoriously done this in my life… I’ll try a different route, expecting to save time, and find out in the end that my route didn’t take me anywhere I […]
I have a friend who walks around naked in front of her teenage sons. Daily, she cruises through the house and disrobes down to nothing, right in front of them. The boys are in their mid-to-late teens, so, tits are on their minds anyway – constantly. Albeit, probably not […]
There was a great line in miniseries “Hatfields and McCoys”: Two Hatfield brothers are sitting in a whorehouse saloon drinking shots of whiskey. A prostitute approaches them. Whore: “I love Johnse Hatfield. Why doesn’t he love me?“ Guy at Saloon: “Because you’re a whore?”
OK, so I was tooling through the streets of downtown Milwaukee today at lunchtime and came upon some asswipe from Illinois parked at a red light straddling the line between the right turn lane and the lane for through traffic. I know he was from Illinois because his license plate […]
OK, so I was tooling through the streets of downtown Milwaukee today at lunchtime and came upon some asswipe from Illinois parked at a red light straddling the line between the right turn lane and the lane for through traffic. I know he was from Illinois because his license plate […]
The average nostril is roughly the same circumference as your index finger. This can be for one reason only: booger picking. Coincidence? You be the judge. Analyze people’s finger sizes sometime. People with small fingers have, get this, small noses. People with big fingers have, you guessed it, big noses. It’s […]
Tonight I watched The Life of Pi. A story about a boy living for weeks at sea in a lifeboat with a tiger. Told in real time, this was quite possibly the longest, most boring movie I’ve ever seen. I thought a better title for the movie would have been […]
Using lube. It’s like going to the bathroom. Everybody does it but no one likes to talk about it. Lube is one of the more mortifyingly embarrassing things that you could leave laying out in your bedroom that you’d never want your mom to stumble on. Other items include: […]
Exacerbate: to make things worse, by yourself.
Thanksgiving is like any other holiday. To derive maximum enjoyment from it, you need to follow some rules. Food is the central component in every Thanksgiving celebration, so prepare your plate properly to get the most taste satisfaction possible out of your meal. First, certain foods on your Thanksgiving Day […]
I frequently get requests by people that go something like “Don’t you think that (fill in the blank band) is great?!” Bands like Steely Dan… Rolling Stones… The Beatles… And my answer always is the same, “Sure they are a perfectly serviceable band to provide sound in the background of […]
There are a lot of things in the world that it would be fun to be for a day: tiger, eagle, killer whale, Ferrari F430 GT, and maybe an oak tree. But there are about a million things that would also suck. Here’s my list of top five living or […]
Sometimes I’ll cue up a song and play it over and over again, often ten or twenty times or more in a row. I’ve found that it’s a process of emotional focusing. A certain song will elicit a feeling that I want to duplicate and maintain for an indefinite period. […]
Men are dogs, women are lizards. I’ve come to this conclusion after years of careful scientific study. In fact, I have proof. Just watch any couple as they find their way to a patio table with an umbrella. The dude will invariably go directly for whatever narrow band of shade […]
Ok. So, there’s this asshole who lays on his horn every day before leaving the parking structure under his building across the street from my office. I know that he’s just trying to alert pedestrians before he pulls out onto the sidewalk. However, he blasts his horn twice for about […]