A cricket chirping outside the house: “Oh wow Honey, listen to nature’s symphony. Isn’t it beautiful?” as you gently caress your lover’s hand. A cricket chirping inside the house: “Die mother-fu*ker! Die!” as you destroy the basement looking for it, finally grinding it into a paste under your shoe.
Funny
157 posts
When someone follows “Have you lost weight?” with “You look great!” Should you infer that you previously looked like John Goodman in a Speedo?
Would bumpy flight conditions in an airplane lavatory be considered “turdbulence?”
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: WorldAccordingtoGarg.com
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: TheWorldAccordingtoGarg.com
I didn’t think it was possible for me to like Kathy Griffin any less, but she found a way to out-do herself. I mean, I pondered, “How could someone so crass, rude, and unfunny, make themselves even more unappealing?” And sure enough, in true Kathy Griffin form, she took things […]
Anyone who’s ever had a tick crawl across their skin knows the state of paranoia it induces. From that point forward, when the wind tickles your face with your hair right away your mind thinks you’ve got a tick on you. The sun casts a leaf shadow on your arm and […]
The weather in Wisconsin is great. Except for the winters. They can be kind of long. The cold generally starts in October, then gains momentum in November and December. You’re sad that fall is over but you’ve got the holidays to distract you. So, it’s not that bad. Yet. New Year’s Day […]
OK. I don’t have kids. But I like kids. And I was one once. So this qualifies me to have an opinion on this subject. I always find it strange that people with kids find it necessary to first clarify “You don’t have kids” before they bore me with a story […]
I find it ironic that I’ll intentionally subject myself to an hour and a half at the gym but become utterly exasperated if I have to get off the couch and walk across the living room for the TV remote.
Does it seem odd to anyone else that the song chosen for a promo in last night’s NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game was sung by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay? I wasn’t good enough to play college ball but I know enough to understand that both “chainsmoking” and “cold play” are antithetical to the […]
Two very similar-looking bottles. Dramatically different uses. What would be worse: a mouthful of Dial soap or a splash of mouthwash across the nethers?
It seems Facebook has become has become a fog of white noise, unsubstantiated opinions, and useless information – dare I say, mis-information. I’ve unconciously developed some survival mechanisms to cut through. You might find these policies helpful to your daily navigation through this cesspool. Whenever you see a post that […]
Is it just me or does Steve Bannon, President Trump’s Chief Political Advisor, look like he just came down off of a four day whiskey bender? I think so. But, I thought maybe I was alone in my opinion until an acquaintance of mine (a professional comic) wrote a funny […]
Why are the passengers so angry at their emergency exit doors on American Airlines planes?
Drywall hanging is a tedious, messy, and largely unrewarding process. Until it’s done. Completion is thoroughly satisfying. But every step of the way up to the point of completion will be a war of willpower. It will test your resolve. The half-finished walls will keep staring at you defying you […]
In the spirit of the holidays and in remembrance of one of my favorite writer/directors in Hollywood history, John Hughes, I’m going to list my favorite twelve quotes from the movie Christmas Vacation. It wouldn’t be Christmas without watching this movie at least once. 12. Clark: You can’t see the line, […]
Did you ever find yourself in an uncomfortable situation where you were in a semi-crowded area but knew you had to, how shall we say, release some pressure? You get a slight twinge down below the equator but think you can safely bleed off the top 30 or 40% without […]