Did you ever notice how different foods elicit different responses from people when you offer to share them at work? For instance, I offered some co-workers a scoop of my perfectly delicious-looking homemade casserole for lunch once and every single one of them declined. In fact, if I ran this […]
Yearly Archives: 2017
27 posts
Whenever someone has a headache or injury of some sort, why do they always tell you to “Put a bag of frozen peas on it.” I realize it’s cold therapy for an injury, but why peas? Why not corn? Water chestnuts? Broccoli? It’s always peas. First off, I can’t believe […]
Two of my favorite lines in Christmas Vacation: Ellen: “Clark, what is it?” Clark: “Some jackass riding my tail.” A closer look at their license plate explains everything. *Illinois. To which the only sensible reply is… (My apologies to my friends south of the border. C’mon, you do it to […]
I try to keep the content 100% original in this blog but sometimes you run into something that resonates with you. Here’s my thought for the day: I’d say this philosophy has served me well. We’re talking figuratively kill, not literally of course. Kill them with wit. Disarm them with […]
Nothing like picking up a skeleton, some fake blood, and a Christmas tree when you’re out shopping. Very convenient. Thank you American retailers. Thank you.
There are only three settings for the professional football linebacker brain: procreate, eat, and kill. It looks like Clay Matthews was in kill mode as the Packers smoked da Bears 35-14 on this Thursday night.
After a three hour delay and five gate changes, my American Airlines flight is now adding ballast to the plane before we can take off. Yes, ballast. This, after charging me $25 for my single checked bag. Supposedly, they charge for checked bags because luggage makes the plane heavier and […]
If your last name is Hunt, you can’t have a first name that ends with the letter K. Clark Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, has a rough name. Clark Hunt. Say it three times fast. Funny.
I’ve been reading the book “Mastery” by Robert Green, the bestselling author of the book “The 48 Laws of Power.” It’s really a fascinating study of creativity, genius, and the rules for mastering any field of study or area of concentration. The book contains countless in-depth features of the lives […]
A cricket chirping outside the house: “Oh wow Honey, listen to nature’s symphony. Isn’t it beautiful?” as you gently caress your lover’s hand. A cricket chirping inside the house: “Die mother-fu*ker! Die!” as you destroy the basement looking for it, finally grinding it into a paste under your shoe.
When someone follows “Have you lost weight?” with “You look great!” Should you infer that you previously looked like John Goodman in a Speedo?
Did you ever notice how life really comes down to doing what you set your mind to doing? If you don’t do that thing, you’ve really just made an excuse to let yourself off the hook. You wake up and say to yourself “I’m going to exercise today.” If you […]
Would bumpy flight conditions in an airplane lavatory be considered “turdbulence?”
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: WorldAccordingtoGarg.com
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: TheWorldAccordingtoGarg.com
I didn’t think it was possible for me to like Kathy Griffin any less, but she found a way to out-do herself. I mean, I pondered, “How could someone so crass, rude, and unfunny, make themselves even more unappealing?” And sure enough, in true Kathy Griffin form, she took things […]
Anyone who’s ever had a tick crawl across their skin knows the state of paranoia it induces. From that point forward, when the wind tickles your face with your hair right away your mind thinks you’ve got a tick on you. The sun casts a leaf shadow on your arm and […]
The weather in Wisconsin is great. Except for the winters. They can be kind of long. The cold generally starts in October, then gains momentum in November and December. You’re sad that fall is over but you’ve got the holidays to distract you. So, it’s not that bad. Yet. New Year’s Day […]
OK. I don’t have kids. But I like kids. And I was one once. So this qualifies me to have an opinion on this subject. I always find it strange that people with kids find it necessary to first clarify “You don’t have kids” before they bore me with a story […]