It’s always bothered me that Ferris Bueller’s dad never really washed his hands very well or used soap after he came out of the bathroom during that scene in the restaurant. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time and that gets me every time. I’m sure it’s something I’d […]
Gary Scott
193 posts
Boy, figure skater Johnny Weir is really bringing some flair to the Olympic announcing booth this year, eh? Or should we say, flare? Like, road flare lit up and visible from space. He’s going to announce the shit out of these Olympics then head straight for the nearest parade, carnival, […]
The older I get the more I feel like most of my day is spent getting out of bed and getting ready for the day or getting undressed and ready to go back to bed again. Let me see, drink some water, brush my teeth, take a pee, put on […]
Did you ever notice how different foods elicit different responses from people when you offer to share them at work? For instance, I offered some co-workers a scoop of my perfectly delicious-looking homemade casserole for lunch once and every single one of them declined. In fact, if I ran this […]
Whenever someone has a headache or injury of some sort, why do they always tell you to “Put a bag of frozen peas on it.” I realize it’s cold therapy for an injury, but why peas? Why not corn? Water chestnuts? Broccoli? It’s always peas. First off, I can’t believe […]
Two of my favorite lines in Christmas Vacation: Ellen: “Clark, what is it?” Clark: “Some jackass riding my tail.” A closer look at their license plate explains everything. *Illinois. To which the only sensible reply is… (My apologies to my friends south of the border. C’mon, you do it to […]
I try to keep the content 100% original in this blog but sometimes you run into something that resonates with you. Here’s my thought for the day: I’d say this philosophy has served me well. We’re talking figuratively kill, not literally of course. Kill them with wit. Disarm them with […]
Nothing like picking up a skeleton, some fake blood, and a Christmas tree when you’re out shopping. Very convenient. Thank you American retailers. Thank you.
There are only three settings for the professional football linebacker brain: procreate, eat, and kill. It looks like Clay Matthews was in kill mode as the Packers smoked da Bears 35-14 on this Thursday night.
After a three hour delay and five gate changes, my American Airlines flight is now adding ballast to the plane before we can take off. Yes, ballast. This, after charging me $25 for my single checked bag. Supposedly, they charge for checked bags because luggage makes the plane heavier and […]
If your last name is Hunt, you can’t have a first name that ends with the letter K. Clark Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, has a rough name. Clark Hunt. Say it three times fast. Funny.
I’ve been reading the book “Mastery” by Robert Green, the bestselling author of the book “The 48 Laws of Power.” It’s really a fascinating study of creativity, genius, and the rules for mastering any field of study or area of concentration. The book contains countless in-depth features of the lives […]
A cricket chirping outside the house: “Oh wow Honey, listen to nature’s symphony. Isn’t it beautiful?” as you gently caress your lover’s hand. A cricket chirping inside the house: “Die mother-fu*ker! Die!” as you destroy the basement looking for it, finally grinding it into a paste under your shoe.
When someone follows “Have you lost weight?” with “You look great!” Should you infer that you previously looked like John Goodman in a Speedo?
Did you ever notice how life really comes down to doing what you set your mind to doing? If you don’t do that thing, you’ve really just made an excuse to let yourself off the hook. You wake up and say to yourself “I’m going to exercise today.” If you […]
Would bumpy flight conditions in an airplane lavatory be considered “turdbulence?”
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: WorldAccordingtoGarg.com
Congratulations to Kathy Griffin our “Despicable Them” bracket winner! She’s hot right now, in the worst of ways. Thanks to everyone who participated! Keep checking back for future bracket challenges and other quips and anecdotes to enrage and enlighten at: TheWorldAccordingtoGarg.com